The Ultimate Hunger Games
by Maxworth
Summary: Shrek. Boba Fett. Seth Rogan. Ben 10. What do they have in common? Absolutely nothing, aside from the fact that they are some of the competitors in the Ultimate Hunger Games, a fight to the death featuring all your favorite pop culture icons! Read... IF YOU DARE!
1. Meet the Warriors

High above Candy Land, a pink blimp sat in the sky. It slowly tooted around, giving the men inside a good view of what was to become the greatest warzone of all time.

A broadcast was about to be filmed inside. A suave Puerto Rican man by the name of Pepe slicked his hair back, turning to his bodyguard, T-Train.

"How do I look, T?" he asked.

T, his face unmoving and cool behind black shades, gave an approving nod.

A few feet away from the two, a production crew was ready to go.

The cameraman said, "Alright guys. You are live in 3... 2... 1!"

Pepe smiled, and said, "Hello, world! Welcome to the clash of the titans! The war of the worlds! The Kardashian Family Reunion! THE FIRST ANNUAL POP CULTURE GAMES!"

T Train clapped and patted Pepe on the back.

"We have an amazing show planned for all you folks at home," Pepe said.

"This is no ordinary game. It takes the concept of the Hunger Games, but instead of starving children, you get to see pop culture icons beating the snot out of each other! And we have quite a cast!"

From his suit pocket, Pepe pulled an envelope. Licking his lips, he opened it and produced a paper.

"On this paper is the list of competitors..."

The cameramen cut to another camera on the battlefield, and Pepe and T Train stepped behind the minitors to see the competitors.

The camera settled on a large robot warrior, and Pepe began to narrate.

"Here we have Grimlock, Transformer from the planet Cybertron! What he lacks for in words, he makes up for in power!"

Grimlock pounded his chest, and then transformed into a t-rex. He roared, flames bursting from his mouth.

"Next we have funny guy Seth Rogen!"

The camera turned to a chubby, bearded comedian. He chuckled, and said, "I am so high right now."

The camera then turned to a serious man wearing a pancho. He cracked his knuckles and spat at the ground.

"Here we have Daryl Dixon, warrior of the zombie apocalypse!"

Daryl held up his hand, and the editing crew censored out an explicit gesture made with one of his fingers.

"Not one for show, I suppose. Next up we have a hairy wookie from a galaxy far, far away! Give some love to CHEWBACCA!"

Chewbacca removed shades from his face and gave a thumbs up to the camera.

"Standing by Chewbacca, we have none other than his enemy, the ruthless Boba Fett!"

Boba Fett's armor glinted in the girly sunlight, as he assessed the situation.

_Dammit. It's always gotta be Candy Land these days, _he thought.

"He is love. He is life. Can we get some applause for the ogrelord, Shrek!?"

The ogre named Shrek blew a kiss to the camera. Then he pulled a stick of earwax from his elongated ear, and threw it at Boba Fett.

Boba was about to take a step forward, when Pepe interrupted.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Watch out Boba! The ground around you is covered in mines! You have to wait til the games have begun before they're deactivated."

The crew had to censor Boba Fett's hand, aimed right at Shrek.

"Oh, you'll pay for that, lassie," Shrek growled.

"You know her, you love her... KATNISS EVERDEEN!" Pepe shouted.

Katniss, an attractive young woman, facepalmed. She thought this bull was over with. Apparently not.

"Next to Katniss we have Trevor Philips from Grand Theft Auto V!"

Pepe leaned to one of the editors, and said, "Have that censor button ready."

Trevor was a dirty killer. He wore a sweatstained t-shirt and his eyes were full of hatred. He rubbed the bald spot on his head and looked around angrily.

"What the !# % is this? Some kinda game or$ ! ? What do I looked like to you, a #$!ing piece of #$! that's only good for #$^% and * & $? Well that's a load of ^$#% if you ask me!"

Pepe rolled his eyes and said, "Erm... Next to Trevor we have Ben Tennison, also known as BEN 10!"

A small 10 year old boy stood with his arms crossed, a bizarre watch on his arm. A watch that allowed him to become an alien of his choice.

"I guess he didn't have anything to add. Next to Ben 10 we've got Conan!"

A lean man in a suit made a stupified face at the camera. He raised an eyebrow under his swooped orange hair, and asked, "Why the hell wasn't I chosen to be the game maker! I'm Conan!"

From nowhere, an audience laughed and clapped.

"What... How did he do that?" asked Pepe.

"Anywho, we move on to our eleventh competitor... THE DARK KNIGHT HIMSELF! BATMAAAAAAN!"

The camera turned to Batman. He yelled, "MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEAAAAAAD!"

Pepe frowned, and said, "Well. That was disturbing. Next to Batman it's a-Mario!"

A chubby man in overalls tipped his cap at the camera, and summoned a fireball in the other hand.

"You're coming with him, dead or alive... Meet Robocop!"

A cybernetic cop came into view on-camera. He waved mechanically.

"The man of mystery... BIG FOOT!"

Bigfoot, a seven foot tall cryptid, roared.

"He'll be back... TERMINATOR!"

A tough looking man nodded, a red light gleaming in his right eye.

"Choo choo! Thomas the Tank Engine!"

Inexplicably, an entire tank engine sat on the same size platform as the other competitors, perfectly balanced.

Thomas made an intimidating face, steam rising from his chimney.

"Then we have... None other than the Doctor himself!"

A neat man wearing a bow tie and a long brown coat smiled at the camera.

"From the Disney we all used to love... THAT'S SO RAVEN!"

Raven smiled at the camera.

"Next we have BLUE PIKACHU!"

A blue critter yelled, "Wait what?"

Pepe frowned and said, "Blue Pikachu, what's wrong?"

The creature said, "My name is Sonic. I'm not a Pikachu. I'm a hedgehog."

"Wat?" Pepe's voice boomed from the blimp's speaker down to the competitors.

Sonic said, "You know. I run really fast? Collect gold rings?"

"Suuuuuuuurrrreee..." Pepe said.

"Moving on, we have Oscar the Grouch!"

A trash can sat on a platform.

The lid rose, and a scruffy green face appeared.

"What is thi-" he started, when he suddenly fell forward.

It happened in slow motion. The trashcan tilted froward, falling from the platform. Then, it hit the ground, triggering the mines. Instantly, flames erupted from the ground, engulfing the poor creature.

"We _HAD_ Oscar the Grouch!" Pepe called out.

Raven threw up, lost her balance, and also hit a mine.

The next contestant in line, dressed for Office work and with hair parted down the middle, laughed maniacally.

"Next we have Dwight K. Schrute!"

Dwight said, "These fools have no idea what it takes to survive. I may help the weak, but in the end it'll only be to my own benefit."

Pepe said, "Well that was kinda weird... Beside Dwight... SHIA LABEOUF!"

In a fetal position, a man in a suit wore a bag on his head with eye holes. He rocked back and forth, whimpering.

"Uh... Next to Shia we have the classiest man in all of San Diego... RON BURGUNDY!"

A man even more suave than Pepe nodded at the camera. He wore an 80's style red suit and had an epic mustache.

"And our final contestant... MADEA!"

A heavy black woman stood on her platfrom, giving sassy looks to the other competitors.

She shouted, "Nuh-uh! Ain't none y'all gettin anywhere near this. Ner I dern't think ser. You try an' touch this o lordy lord help me so I don't kick yo ass so hard your grandkids will feel it."

The camera returned to Pepe, who looked just as confused as you, the reader, probably are.

"Well, we've got our contestants... We've got our arena... SHOWTIME!"


	2. The Battle Begins

A uniform BLEEP! sounded from the ground around each contestant, signifying the games had begun.

The strong competitors rushed to the center of the circle, where a pile of their trademarked weapons and other famous tools lie. The weaker competitors bolted off.

At the pile of weapons, Boba Fett had a score to settle. He grabbed a laser rifle, and set his sights on Shrek. He pulled the trigger, the rifle in his hand going, BLAM BLAM!

Shrek, busy picking his earwax, was hit. He slammed to the ground, dazed.

"That didn't kill him... He's got a good hide. I'll have to skin him when I'm done," Boba murmured to himself.

Somehow, Shrek had heard. He shouted, "I don't think so, lassie!"

He leapt into the air, and slammed down before Boba Fett.

Realizing the height difference, Boba Fett cowered. The smell of onions filled his helmt, somehow bypassing the filtration unit in his mask.

"That's right... Breathe it in... You can almost smell the _layers_," Shrek growled.

Boba Fett thought this was the end, when a crossbow bolt suddenly pierced Shrek's eye.

"AAAAIIIYYYYEEEE!" Shrek shouted.

Boba Fett turned around to see Daryl Dixon walking over. Boba brought his blaster around, but Daryl shouted, "No! We're the coolest characters in our respective franchises! I propose we team up?"

Boba nodded, and ran off with Daryl.

Shrek plucked the bolt from his eye, and crushed it in his hand.

"This isn't ogre..." he growled.

On the other side of the mound of weapons, Grimlock breathed fire down upon Ben 10.

Ben transformed into an orange beast, and leapt onto Grimlock's neck.

"WHAT IS TINY HUMAN DOING!?" Grimlock roared.

Ben changed back into his human form, and pressed his watch, the omnitrix, against Grimlock's metal hide.

The omnitrix scanned Grimlock's DNA, and a silhouette of a dinobot appeared on the device's screen.

Ben slammed his fist down on the face of the "watch" and leapt off of Grimlock.

His skin turning to metal, Ben laughed. He was now a green version of Grimlock, equally menacing.

"TIME TO TASTE YOUR OWN MEDICINE!" he shouted, breathing green fire at Grimlock.

"TWO GRIMLOCK!? NO!" the Dinobot roared, transforming into his bulky robot mode.

He dove at Ben, tackling him to the ground.

"HEY! HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?" cried out Ben.

"PUNY HUMAN NOT KNOW HOW TO TRANSFORM!" laughed Grimlock, smashing his fists into Ben's t-rex head.

Ben breathed fire into Grimlock's face, temporarily stunning him. Grimlock stumbled backward, and Ben shifted back into human form.

"TIME TO FEAST!" Grimlock screamed.

"NOT SO FAST!" a cheery voice shouted.

Thomas the tank engine sped to the scene, slamming into Grimlock with an explosion of sparks and the sound of grinding metal.

Ben ran off, into the dark licorice woods.

Trevor Philips declared himself king of the weapons pile, fashioning himself with a grenade launcher and standing atop the mountain.

"EAT FIRE!" he called out, firing off grenades.

"NO!" shouted an exaggerated, heavy voice.

Trevor turned around to see Batman gliding towards him.

"JUSTIIIIICE!" Batman screeched, his boots connecting with Trevor's face.

Trevor tumbled down the weapons, hitting his head on the butts of guns and cutting his arms on the various swords and blades.

Batman spread his wings, and cried out like a hawk, descending upon his prey.

"NO!" Trevor shouted, grabbing a pistol lying neck to him.

He brought it up, and fired.

Batman went limp, and his body flopped onto Trevor.

Trevor laughed, "That was close! But you were too slow, Mr. Bat. Trevor wins this fight."

But then he realized that Batman was still breathing...

"KEVLAR, BITCH!" Batman shouted, bringing his fist around and connecting with Trevor's jaw.

Conan yelled, "Yeah! Kill him!"

Batman looked up and said, "NO! THAT'S NOT THE WAY!"

Conan frowned and said, "He's a lunatic! He tried to kill you!"

"Tried... AND FAILED!" Batman argued.

Conan said, "Look if you won't do it than I..."

As he reached for a gun, Batman tossed a batarang at the tv host.

It hit Conan's wrist, and the fell backward.

"Son of a... Did you just throw a knife at me!?"

"It's not a knife... It's metal justice!" Batman roared.

"For crying out loud..." Conan said, grabbing a bazooka.

He fired it, exterminating both Batman and Trevor.

Conan looked at an imaginary audience, and said, "Those guys were bat$# % crazy!"

An audience's laughter filled the arena.


	3. Ben 10 is Drek

Ben 10 slowly crept along the dirt pie path of the licorice forest. The strands of black candy wove upward like trees, black crows sitting on the branches, watching Ben.

Creeped out, the kid kept his eyes on the walkway, listening around him. He sniffled, and caught the scent of... onions.

"Aye there, laddie," an ogrely voice cooed.

"Who... Who's there?" Ben asked.

"Just yer friend... Yer best friend," the voice said.

"Shrek... Is that you?" Ben called.

Behind him, Shrek appeared.

Ben turned around to face the ogrelord, and kneeled.

"What is thy bidding, my master?"

Shrek chuckled, and Ben noticed that he had an eye patch.

"What happened to you, Shrek?"

Shrek frowned and said, "That crazy redneck with the crossbow caught me right in the peeper. We need to take him down."

"If that's what you want... I'll hunt him down, Shrek!" Ben said.

"Aye, but I think that's a job for the big kids, wouldn't you?" Shrek asked.

"Hey, I'm 10 years old! I'm a big kid!"

"That's not that old, laddie. Give me yer watch, and I'll show that crazy redneck what happens when you mess with the ogrelord."

"Not that old!? Your movies aren't even much older than 10 years old!"

This angered Shrek. His face grew angry, and his eye squinted.

"Please, Shrek... I didn't mean to offend..."

From the forest, a scream was heard. Shortly after, Shrek continued along the path, smiling wickedly.

He pulled back his tan sleeve, revealing the omnitrix on his wrist.

He pressed the green button on the side, the disc in the middle rising up.

Shrek rotated the disc, a new alien silhouette appearing with each turn.

"It'll all be ogre soon," he sneered.


	4. Eating Good Tonight

Hours had passed, and the competitors were scattered around Candy Land. Many were hiding, while others were attempting to form alliances.

Katniss slowly crept through the lollipop range, the colorful discs of candy going on for miles. He sat behind one of the lollies, slowly tilted her head until she could see what lie ahead.

At first it wasn't what she saw... It was something she _heard. _A light sobbing from what must have been a young man.

Katniss stood up, and saw Shia LaBeouf laying amongst the candy, the bag on his head soggy from tears.

Katniss approached Shia, and asked, "Hey, it'll be alright. We can survive this. We can show them that we don't have to kill each other!"

Between sobs, Shia's head suddenly jolted up to look at Katniss through the holes in his bag.

"This isn't about the games, idiot! I'm still upset over my career!" he cried.

"Oh, woe is me for being rich!"

Katniss frowned, and moved on. No sense in killing the poor thing.

As she crept forward, a devastating _thud_ banged in the distance.

Squinting her eyes, Katniss could see Grimlock patroling along the horizon. Looks like she'd have to change her course of direction.

Turning left, Katniss's stomach growled. She realized it had been quite a while since she had last eaten. A meal was in order.

And then she saw him in the distance.

Sonic the Hedgehog was unaware of Katniss, his attention focused on Grimlock.

Katniss thought to herself, _This is not a human. Blue Pikachu is an animal. _

Regretfully, thinking of the greater good, Katniss prepared an arrow.

Pulling back, lining up the arrow, she bit her lip. This was wrong but boy would it be worth it.

She fired the arrow. And missed.

Sonic leapt up, and shouted, "WHOA! WATCH IT! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, MISS 'WE CAN'T KILL PEACEFUL CONTESTANTS!'"

"I... I'm hungry!" Katniss yelled.

Sonic dashed off, but Katniss rapid-fired arrows after him.

The blue streak that sped away immediately stop as Sonic thumped to the ground after Katniss's fourth shot.

She jogged over and pulled the arrow out of the hedgehog.

Katniss threw the carcass over her shoulder. She was eating good tonight.

Katniss looked over, and noticed that Grimlock was gone.

_Oh no_, she thought.

Behind her, fire erupted from a massive jaw. It completely melted the candy behind Katniss, creating a pool of sugary liquid.

"OM NOM NOM!" Grimlock yelled, stepping forward and splashing the liquid candy everywhere.

Katniss licked her finger and said, "OOOOHHH hey wait a sec..."

She pulled Sonic from her back and dipped him in the sugary sauce. Now she'd be eating _really_ good tonight.

"Okay, resume trying to kill me," Katniss said.

Grimlock stomped down toward Katniss, but she rolled out of the way just on time.

Katniss pulled an electric-arrow from her quiver, and aimed it at Grimlock's mouth. She fired, and it took the metal beast down.

He shuddered and then collapsed into the pile of candy.

"THIS ISN'T O... OVER?" Grimlock roared, unsure of himself.

He tried to move, but the liquified candy had hardened.

"GRIMLOCK CAN'T MOVE!" he yelled, spasming wildly to get free.

"LOL talk about irony. Just like the real dinosaurs stuck in tar!" Katniss laughed.

Katniss moved on, leaving Grimlock alone as the candy slowly consumed his armor, and later all of him.


	5. The Trio

Conan wiped sweat from his brow. His suit was torn and his fists were bloodied. Aside from the Bat and Trevor, he hadn't made a kill yet. He'd only managed to fend off other assailants.

The sword he carried dragged lazily behind him. He was exhausted.

After walking for what must've been hours, he had stumbled upon a river made of fruit punch.

He knealt down in the gummy worm grass, scooping up the delicious drink in his hands.

And then he took a blow to the head.

Conan fell face first into the river, the world turning upside down.

He resurfaced, to see Ron Burgundy standing on the land above him.

"What the hell, Ron?" Conan yelled.

Ron straightened his tie, and said, "There can only be one television personality in these games. And it's gonna be me."

Conan shook fruit punch out of his hair and climbed back up to shore.

"No... I'm a night show host, you're a news guy. We can get along fine."

Ron Burgundy's eyes went wide and he said, "By George Washington's teeth... YOU'RE RIGHT!"

He gripped Conan in a strong bear hug.

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Conan said, rolling his eyes.

From down the river, an obnoxiously hilarious chuckle echoed toward Conan and Ron.

The two looked down the river, to see none other than Seth Rogen lazily floating upon a gummy bear raft.

"What's up guys!?" he shouted.

Conan looked Ron in the eye, and they both nodded. With Seth, no one could stop them.

Seth hopped onto shore, and fistbumped the two.

"Alliance?" he asked.

Ron smiled and said, "I like him already."


	6. All That Glitters is Gold

"Blood's still fresh," Daryl said with disgust, pulling his fingers from a crimson puddle.

He and Boba Fett had wandered into a dark licorice forest, and had stumbled upon this mysterious pool of blood.

Boba Fett's scanner flipped down in front of his eye, and he looked around.

"I'm sweeping the area. So far no sign of... Hey! There's something over there!"

The two crept off the path and into the woods.

Daryl had his crossbow ready, and Boba had his blaster ready. Whatever this was, it was going down.

On Boba's scanner, a heat signature was only a couple meters away. Then, it stepped out from behind a tree. It was Ben.

Ben 10 had his arms raised, a bizzarely confident expression decorating his face.

Ben said, "It's alright la... _guys_." It was almost as if he had corrected himself. What was he about to say?

Boba and Daryl didn't flinch.

"How do we know you ain't about to turn into one a them aliens?" Daryl questioned.

Ben said, "I'm 10 years old. I'm not gonna kill two guys in cold blood."

Boba was about to lower his blaster, but then he caught a wiff of... onions.

"DARYL THAT'S NOT BEN!"

"Ben" rolled behind a licorice tree as a crossbow bolt and blaster shot hit the ground behind him.

There was a flash of green light, and a creature resembling a money climbed up the tree.

Daryl and Boba tried to shoot it down, but it was too fast. When it reached the top, it leapt, and changed into the maniacal Shrek in midair.

"TIME TO PLAY, LASSIES!" he roared, his onion breath summoning a green fog.

Daryl wiped tears from his eyes, shouting out about the smell.

"Just keep fighting!" Boba shouted back, firing to no avail at the ogre.

Shrek smiled evilly, slamming his fist down upon the omnitrix once again.

He was now a massive red alien shaped like a human with four arms. He reached for the closest licorice tree, his armpit sweat adding to the mist.

Roaring, Shrek ripped the licorice tree from the ground, and tossed it at Boba.

Unable to move fast enough, the massive piece of candy pinned him to the chocolatey ground.

"Daryl! Help!" Boba yelled, as Shrek changed back.

He was chuckling like a loon, foam falling from his jaw.

"I'm gonna eat ye, and then I'm gonna poop ye out and do it again, lassie!" he shouted.

Boba Fett desperately struggled, but it was useless. This was his end.

Daryl shouted, "NOOOO!"

He dove at Shrek, crossbow bolt in hand. He landed on the ogre's back, and brought the arrow down to Shrek's skull.

The arrow snapped in two.

Shrek sat there for a moment, processing what had just happened.

With lightning reflexes, Shrek reached for Daryl and gripped him in his green hand.

He threw him to the ground. The last thing Daryl saw was Shrek's giant caboose flying down towards him.

"Nooooooo!" Boba Fett cried out.

All panic was gone. All that Boba had left was the will to live. He lifted his arm, and typed a command into his gautnlet.

Beneath him, his jetpack lit up, heating the ground. This was it. If this didn't work, then he was ogre chow.

Shrek picked up Daryl's remains and ate him in one bite. He then released a mighty burp, and began to slowly march in Boba's direction.

"Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me..." Shrek began to sing.

No. Boba could not die like this. Not to the hands of Shrek, singing "All Star." He began to push against the licorice again. Boba began to sink into the ground.

"Hey now, you're an all star, get your show on, eat Fett..." Shrek chanted.

Boba's plan was working. The flames from his jetpack were slowly melting the dirt pie ground, giving him wiggle room. Soon, he'd have enough room to escape.

"All that glitters is gooooooold..."

Boba was free.

He shouted, "EAT THIS, SHREK!"

Boba amped up the flames, sending a massive burst towards Shrek.

The fire engulfed the ogre, and he fell back, burning alive. The massive beast hit the ground, rolling around to put out the flames. He then lay there, almost peacefully.

"Only Boba Feeett breaks the moooold..." he whispered, and closed his eye.

Boba saluted Shrek, and then moved on. He had no one on his side now. But he had the will to win.


	7. Chocolate Rain

Up in the blimp, Pepe and T-Train watched the games with glee. The charts were through the roof, as viewers tweeted, texted, commented, and telegraphed about the games.

Pepe licked his lips, watching in anticipation as Chewbacca crept through a chocolate swamp.

"Zoom in on this guy... He's up to something good," Pepe told one of the tech guys.

The camera slowly zoomed in, and suddenly "Chewbacca" turned around.

Pepe almost had a heart attack at the sight of Dwight Schrute's face filling the screen.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" Pepe cried out, with T-Train shaking his head and shrugging.

Somehow, Dwight knew the cameras were on him. All of his time on "The Office" must have given him a sense for this stuff.

He said, "Did I love Chewbacca as a child? Yes. Was I going to let that get in the way of killing him for his pelt? Of course not. We Schrutes are machines. We don't let anything get in our way."

Pepe said, "Wow. This guy's hardcore."

Far below the blimp, Dwight heard movement in the distance. Slowly, he kneeled into the swamp, mixing in with the chocolate mush. He crept forward, pulling a pair of binoculars from what was once Chewbacca's belt.

A few hundred meters ahead, Robocop and Terminator were heading his way.

Dwight pulled another device from his pocket, and moved in. When he was close to the robots, he tossed it.

Robocop and Terminator were in the middle of discussing their preferred oil brand when a grenade plunked into the liquid chocolate in front of them. It exploded, creating a blast of chocolatey flavor.

Dwight rushed forward, a combat knife in his hand. Time to finish these chumps the Schrute way.

Robocop's head floated in the water, his body missing. Dwight splashed over to it, and picked it up.

"PUT ME DOWN. I REPEAT: PUT ME DOWN!" he shouted.

"That's precisely what I plan to do," Dwight replied. He placed a small object with a glowing red light on the back of the head, and looked for Terminator.

The Terminator rose from the muck. Much of his skin had been blown off by the grenade, revealing the mechanical material that lie within. Before he could even think of a plan, he saw Robocop's emotionless face flying towards him.

"Ah. Look out," Robocop said lamely.

But it was too late. The head slammed into Terminator, and Dwight slammed his thumb down on a remote in his hand.

Yet another chocolatey explosion filled the swamp, this one much larger than the last.

Chocolate rained down on Dwight, and he smiled wickedly.

But Terminator wasn't done yet. He stood up yet again, this time with only one arm and one of the red lights that served as an eyeball hanging out over his cheek. It dangled with each enraged step he took.

He then charged at Dwight, who was not fast enough.

Terminator pinned Dwight against a chocolate tree, his fingers slowly closing on the salesman's neck.

"Hasta la vista..."

Out of nowhere, Bigfoot swung in on a chocolate twizzler. He dismounted gracefully, and slammed his fist into Terminator's face.

Terminator collided with a chocolate tree some meters away, and he smashed right through the trunk, leveling the whole thing.

Bigfoot was ticked off. Teeth bared, he dove for the machine.

Terminator yelled out, raising a fully exposed robot limb. The sasquatch grabbed it, and ripped him from the chocolate trunk he had been wedged into.

Sasquatch then gripped Terminator's head, and ripped it clean off in a shower of sparks. The beast roared triumphantly, and tossed the remains into the swamp. Bigfoot waded over to Dwight.

Dwight's eyes were wide in disbelief of what he had just seen. He rubbed the now raw skin of his neck, but the pain of Terminator's attack was gone. All he could focus on was the fact that Big Foot had just saved his life.

Big Foot kneeled before Dwight, and then it all made sense.

"You... You think I'm Chewbacca, don't you?" Dwight chuckled.

Big Foot pulled a collector's edition Star Wars Episode IV poster from his pocket, along with a sharpie.

Dwight grinned, and said, "This will give me an excellent advantage."

He took the sharpie, and signed, "Dwight K. Schrute."

Big Foot looked at it, and frowned. He roared out, the sound of pure rage eminating from his jaw.

"Oh... OH NO!" Dwight yelled.

Big Foot saw through the disguise, and picked up Dwight. What happened next was not pleasant, but would stay with the viewers for life.


	8. Katniss's Discovery

Katniss couldn't believe her eyes. In all this chaos, she found something quite pleasant. A house. A candy house.

She smiled, and ran to it. Sonic's carcass bounced marily behind her.

She reached the sour patch kid doormat, and turned the lollipop door handle. Stepping inside, she was welcomed to various fruity smells and artificial flavors.

Then she heard a voice.

Dropping Sonic like a sack of potatoes, she dove behind a wall, listening.

"All I'm saying is if that... _Pepe_ or whatever can run this, we can too! People have heard of _us_!"

Conan.

Katniss prepared an arrow, and moved forward.

"Ahuh-huh-huh, you guys are hilarious," Seth Rogen's voice boomed.

"And classy," Ron Burgundy added.

Katniss reached the door of their room, and stood up. It was closed, but not for long.

Katniss kicked, her foot smashing through the door. It crumbled around her leg, and she took a battle stance.

Ron, Seth, and Conan were all playing cards on a table made from a giant butterscotch candy, held up by gummy worm legs.

"WHOA! WHOA! WE'RE JUST PLAYING A GAME! CHILL OUT!" Seth yelled.

"Agreed. Calm yourself, woman!" Ron shouted.

"About time a girl showed up," Conan said with a shrug.

Katniss lowered her bow. These men had no weapons. She doubted they even had common sense.

"What are you people doing here?" she asked.

"Just waiting out the games. Planning to take out..."

"SHH! THEY'RE WATCHING!" Seth roared.

"Oh, right!" said Ron.

He stood up, and walked over to Katniss. He leaned forward, and whispered in her ear.

Katniss backed away and said, "Are you kidding? Have you seen the crazy stuff I did in _Catching Fire_? Taking those guys out will be a cinch!"

Conan asked, "So you're on the team!?"

Katniss raised her hand, doing the District 12 three fingered salute.

"Hell yeah!" Ron shouted.

"Hot," Seth said.


	9. The Strike of Fett

Mario had discovered Thomas the Tank Engine early on in the games. Ever since, they had paired up, and traveled the vast land along a board-gamish pathway. It was almost as if this were a game within a game. Gameception.

They were passing through a valley of gumdrops, when Mario spotted a speck in the sky. It slowly grew larger, coming their way.

"Pick up the speed, a-Thomas," Mario advised.

"K bro," Thomas replied.

But it was ineffective, the shape was still approaching, and could soon be identified as...

"Fett," Mario growled under his breath.

With the flick of his wrist, a ball of fire formed at Mario's finger tips. He hurled one into the air, but Boba Fett dodged it with ease.

"You don't a-dare!" Mario yelled. "You don't have a-the meat balls!"

But Boba Fett did in fact "have-a the meat balls." He landed on the back of Thomas's roof, and raised his arm gauntlet.

Mario ducked as a trap wire flew in his direction.

He leapt upward, coming down on Boba Fett's head.

"HEY! GET OFF THERE!" Boba yelled.

Mario's fist blazed, and he slowly cooked Boba within his own helmet.

"AGH! STOP!" Fett yelled, flinging Mario off of him.

Mario slammed into the metal roof, and Thomas shouted, "Yo you okay up dere playa?"

"I'm a-fine," Mario said, as frost began to envelope his hands.

Boba Fett dove forward, but Mario froze him in mid-air with a ball of ice.

"Heh heh. Not a-so tough a-now."

He kicked the space bounty hunter in the crotch, shattering the ice.

"ACK!" Boba yelled.

Boba fell down, his innards on fire. He couldn't die this way. He wouldn't allow it.

Gritting his teeth, Fett stood back up and fired his blaster. He hit Mario, who suddenly shrunk into a midget-like form.

"LOL!" Boba yelled.

Mario made an enraged face, and kicked Boba Fett right in the face. The glass on Boba's mask cracked. This was serious.

Thomas swerved off the track, and into a lollipop field.

"I'll try and shake him!" Thomas yelled.

"NO! YOU IDIOT! YOU'LL SHAKE..."

Thomas made a sharp turn, and Mario flew off.

"A-MEEEEEEEeeeeeeee," Mario yelled.

Boba Fett smiled behind his mask, and slowly stomped towards the front of the tank engine.

"Said goodnight," he said.

Boba attached a thermal bomb to Thomas, and rocketed away.

"YO PLAYA WAT CHOO DOIN?" Thomas yelled.

Meanwhile, Mario slammed into the ground.

"Owww..." he mumbled. Behind him, he heard a distinct crackling.

He turned around, to see Grimlock struggling against a prison of hard candy.

"Wahhaahaha!" Mario giggled.

"NOT FUNNY, PUNY GAME CHARACTER! GRIMLOCK WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!"

Boba Fett was about to ignite Thomas, but then he saw where the tank engine was headed. He was going to fast to change course, and he was heading straight for a mountain.

Boba looked up, and began to study the trajectory with his aiming device. Thomas was going to be airbourne, and he was going to collide with the game makers' blimp.


	10. What Goes Up

Pepe slurped a can of pop. He was having a great time with these games. A great time that was _ruined_ by one of the tech guy's feminine screams.

"Oh shut up, you big baby. It's just celebrities killing each other. Happens all the time in showbiz."

"No, sir... LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!"

Pepe rushed to the window, and dropped the can of pop. It hit the ground, spilling the drink everywhere. But it wouldn't matter in a couple of seconds.

Thomas the Tank Engine was flying. And he was flying right at them.

"MOVE THE BLIMP! MOVE THE BLIMP!" Pepe yelled.

"We can't move it in time, sir!"

At that moment, all of the competitors sat still. They looked to the sky, to see the cheery pink blimp go up in flames as Thomas slammed into it.

Katniss laughed, "Hey guys! We don't have to take out Pepe and T-Train after all! Thomas just slammed 'em!"

Ron, Seth, and Conan rushed forward.

"Uh, sweetheart... That blimp's headed right for us!" Conan shouted.

Suddenly, Sonic slumped into the room.

"I... I'm alive, you sick freaks!" he shouted, holding a pistol in his hand.

The team backed away, their hands raised.

"That's right, you sick sons of guns... Just stay back! Miss Everdeen thought I was dead, and was gonna eat me!"

Seth said, "Well, we all were, but we were gonna wait..."

"SHUT UP!" Sonic cried.

"Odin's beard!" Ron cried..

He said, "Now I'm gonna make you pay. All of you."

Sonic was about to pull the trigger, when his side of the house exploded.

Shards of hard candy flew everywhere, and the whole place begand to melt down from the flames.

"THIS WAY!" Conan yelled, slamming into the opposite wall and breaking through to the other side.

Katniss, Seth, and Ron followed.

The team coughed and hacked, overtaken by smoke.

"Did... Did we win the games?" Ron asked.

"Not on my watch."

The four looked up, straight into the barrel of Boba Fett's blaster.


	11. Ogres are Like Onions

_Ogres are like onions._

_They have LAYERS._

In the middle of a licorice forest, a burnt corpse began to stir. The massive figure had been assumed dead by competitors who had passed. Boy, were they wrong.

The burnt green ogre began to shudder violently. It looked as though it were trapped in some invisible cage, trying to break free.

The single eye opened with a crackling noise, the crusted eyelids parting.

Soon, cracks began to form all around the ogre's body.

"Shrek is love. Shrek is life," a voice whispered.

The ogre began to move, pieces of its figure falling away.

"SHREK IS LOVE. SHREK IS LIFE," the voice stated proudly.

The creature was muttering something incomprehensible, foam falling from its mouth as it began to get up. More chunks of skin fell away, as if the ogre was shedding.

"SHREK IS LOVE! SHREK IS LIFE!" the voice yelled.

Shrek emerged from his burnt layer, as good as new. Better, in fact.

He laughed heartily. His eye was back. The omnitrix had shed away, but that did not matter. Shrek was back, and it was time for him to end this once and for all.

Bending over, Shrek's bottom began to rumble.

"ALRIGHT, LASSIES! TIME TO FACE THE OGRELORD!" he shouted.

A massive green cloud erupted from Shrek's bum, and he was launched into the air.

He rocketed above candyland, and saw a massive fire from afar.

"That doesn't look good. Better check it out," Shrek said, banking sharply to the left.


	12. Stand Off

Boba Fett smiled proudly behind his cracked mask.

"Well if it isn't little miss Hollywood and her three lackies."

"Technically speaking, _she_ would be the lackie," Ron Burgundy said.

"SHUT UP!" Boba Fett yelled, his boot connecting with Ron's face.

"Agh! Not the nose! Not my beautiful nose!"

Boba Fett shook his head.

"Which one of you wants to die first?" he asked.

"NONE OF THEM DIES BY YOUR HAND, LASSIE!" a voice called from the skies.

"You know, at this point, I think I really am high," Seth commented.

High above, Shrek glided to the scene, a massive green smoke trailing from his buttocks.

He touched down, his feet burrowing in the dirt pie soil.

"_GET OGRE HERE!"_ Shrek roared.

He held out his chubby green hand, and a chain snaked out from under his sleeve.

It was tipped with a lethal blade, and it wedged in Boba's shoulder.

"NOOOO!" the bounty hunter yelled.

He dropped his blaster, and was yanked from the ground by the ogrelord's mighty fist.

Shrek caught Boba Fett by his head, and slowly tightened his grip.

Boba's helmet crumpled, the glass of his visor shattering and sparks emitting from the targeting system on his ear.

Soon, Boba's head was but a wet napkin in Shrek's hand.

Shrek dropped the body, and began to t-bag it Call of Duty style.

"How can we ever repay you, Shrek?" asked Seth.

"I only ask that ye sacrifice yerselves so that I may win these games, lassie."

"K," Seth chuckled.

He hopped up, and began to stride happily to the ogre.

"Seth stop!" Katniss yelled, and pulled her teammate back.

"Aye, what was that for? How can the ogrelord win this game if there are more survivors?"

"The gamemakers are dead. We can escape!" Katniss cried.

"There's no escape!" Grimlock roared.

He pounced, landing on top of Shrek.

"PUNY LABEOUF AND MUSHROOM MAN GAVE GRIMLOCK MORE POWER! GOOD SNACKS!" he yelled.

"No... Not Mario!" Seth cried.

Shrek tried to move, but Grimlock had him pinned. Grimlock's jaw lowered, and fire burst from his throat.

As the fire raged on, a glowing green mist rose from the ogrelord. He disintegrated, and began to drift away.

"HAHAHAHA! GRIMLOCK KING!"

"Just kidding, lassie."

The mist reformed above Grimlock, and Shrek fell downward, fists first. His mighty knuckles crunched into the Dinobot's metallic spine. Grimlock cried out in pain, but it was ogre now. Shrek wedged his fingers into Grimlock's metal hide, and began to pull.

"NOOOOO!" Grimlock whined.

The candy that coated his body had weakened him, making him brittle enough for Shrek to rip him into two pieces. Shards of candy and sparks filled the air. The two halves of Grimlock slammed to the ground, leaving Shrek panting victoriously.

"Who's next?" he asked.

Just then, a burst of light blinded the ogrelord.

"AAAHH!" Shrek shouted.

Beside Ron, Seth, Katniss, and Conan, a British police box had appeared.

The door opened, and a bow-tied man smiled.

"Hurry! We don't have much time!" the Doctor yelled.

The four ran into the box, as Shrek recovered.

"Agh! Now you're starting to get under my layers!"


	13. The Final Battle

The inside of the police box, or what the Doctor called the "TARDIS" was impossibly large for its outside appearance.

It had several walkways in a large circular space, a huge monitor system at its center.

"What is this?" Katniss asked.

Meanwhile, the Doctor was about to shut the door when two men approaced.

"Please... Don't leave us!" they cried.

The Doctor said, "You started all of this. You put us all here to kill one another! You're monsters!"

"We did it for the vine!" Pepe cried.

Enraged, Katniss looked to the doorway. She prepared an arrow.

"Don't let them in."

Ron rushed over, and put a hand on Katniss's shoulder.  
"He's not worth it."

Reluctantly, the Doctor opened the door. T-Train and Pepe tumbled in, roughed up from the blimp crash.

"How the hell are you two alive?" Conan asked. His invisible audience laughed, the chorus echoing around the TARDIS.

"No idea. Just get this thing in the air! Shrek is coming!" Pepe shouted.

The Doctor rushed over to the monitor, pressing buttons. The whole room began to shake.

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Shrek's voice called.

Then, the TARDIS shuddered, slowly rising from the ground.

Outside, Shrek was latched on. He attempted to pry open the door, but it just wouldn't work. Brute force was his only option, and he repeatedly beat on the walls of the police box with his green fists. It couldn't hold up for long.

"How are you gonna lose that guy?" Ron asked.

The Doctor ran a hand through his thick hair, and continued to press at the TARDIS's controls.

"We're going to have to make a jump to space... I've dealed with ogres before (nasty creatures, might I add). The only way to get rid of him would be the cold recess of space, and even then I'm not sure how long the effects..."

"JUST DO IT!" a voice cried.

The Doctor looked up, diverting everyone else's attention to the same spot.

High above on a walkway, a woman swiveled around in a desk chair. It was Madea, smiling proudly behind black shades.

"My lordy lord... All y'all British people do is talk talk talk when we need ta walkity walk walk. Get on with it, hun. I ain't dealin' with no ogre oh lordy no Mr. Brown is bad enough as it is mmmmhmmm."

The Doctor pressed down a button, and in the blink of an eye, the TARDIS left Candy Land, Shrek right with it.

"Wait... You've allied yourself with her?" Katniss asked.

"Honey, I've allowed _him _to be _my _ally. Hell, if I wasn't there, his little white ass would be in Grimlock's belly."

The Doctor sheepishly looked down and went back to his work on the TARDIS's controls.

The Police Box succesfully made the jump. Outside, Shrek's pounding had ceased.

"Let me just take a looksie..." the Doctor said.

He cracked open the door, and was immediately tackled by the ogrelord.

Shrek's skin was frosted from the intense cold he had just been exposed to. He lifted the Doctor up, crushing his neck in his hands.

"You should've checked yourself before you..."

"HELL NO!"

Madea ran at Shrek, purse in hand. Mercilessly, she beat down on the ogre.

He dropped the Doctor, who hacked violently. When he got his breath back, he scooted away, witnessing the horrific battle.

Madea was wicked. Her purse was a brutal tool, and she used it with no remorse. Shrek's nose was broken, and his eyes were black. He had never faced such a furious, determined foe.

"BEAT... THE HELL OUTTA YOU!" Madea raged.

Shrek began to back away.

"GET YO GREEN ASS BACK HEA RIGHT NOW!"

With the final stroke of her purse, Madea killed Shrek.

He lay there. There was no chance of a return. He was too scared.

Madea opened up the door again, and tossed Shrek's carcass out.

"Where do we go now?" asked Katniss.

"Considerin' we just won the damn Hunger Games, I'm going home and makin' me a fine ass meal," Madea snapped.

Pepe straightened his suit and said, "No. There can only be one winner. A sole survivor. It's what the audience wants."

"Yeah," T-Train added.

"'What the audience wants' oooohhhh who the hell you think you are get yo asses outta hea!"

Madea grabbed T-Train and Pepe, and threw them out of the TARDIS.

"Doctor, sweetie? If you would be so kind as to take us home..." Madea began.

The Doctor looked up from his controls and said, "That's the problem... Shrek damaged the TARDIS's gear. If we make the jump, we might not survive."

"Just take the damn risk. Death would be better than staying stranded up here," Conan said.

"Alright. But don't say I didn't warn you," the Doctor said.

The TARDIS shuddered violently. And then it was gone.


	14. The End

Bigfoot stumbled upon the remains of the candy house. The flames still burned, and the crumbled gingerbread crackled beneath his feet.

He wished the games would just end. They were pointless. He had been on camera for several days now, so his career of being a legend was over. There was solid proof of his existence now.

He looked up to the sky, to see a Police Box falling in his direction. No time to react.

The TARDIS smashed down, sideways. The door flipped open, and the Doctor crawled out. Smoke poured into the air.

As the Doctor lay there, Ron, Seth, Conan, and Madea followed.

"Katniss... She hit her head on the wall when we touched down. She's dead," Seth choked.

"How ironic. To think that the woman who won the actual Hunger Games would die in this pathetic parody," Ron noted.

Madea noticed Bigfoot's furry hand laying out from under the TARDIS.

"Oooh! Mama gonna make herself a coat!" she said, pulling the carcass out from under the police box.

"What now?" asked Seth.

Ron looked to the sky, gently brushing his mustache.

"We begin our beautiful career with Conan on a new show."

"What will the show be?"

Conan hobbled over, limping after hurting his ankle in the crash. He huddled up with Seth and Ron.

"Do you know how much money was made from this broadcast? I don't, but I'm sure it was a lot. We need to take advantage. Become the game makers of the _next _Hunger Games!" Conan said.

"That's demonic... I like it," Ron chuckled.

"Ahuh-huh-huh whatever you guys say," Seth said.

Behind them, Madea patted the Doctor on the back.

"You did good, kid. You did good. When can you get that Tardar Sauce back up so we can get home?"

"You mean the TARDIS?"

"That's not a nice word, young man. How would you feel if you had that condition?"

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, but decided not to go into Madea's logic.

And thus, a glorious battle had ended. People around the world cheered, seeing that this was a game of many winners.

The contestants moved on, to great success.

Madea teamed up with the Doctor. She took his title, and deemed the Doctor himself as _her _companion.

Ron, Seth, and Conan set up a studio in Hollywood. Their first project: A little program to be named, "The Ultimate Hunger Games: The Squeakquel."


End file.
